a (new) life in review

Lets review for a bit shall we? I became a Christian in 2000, that would be about 8 years ago. At that time I was 14. Alright, review over. Now back to the scheduled post.

If you were to ask me 8 years ago if I thought that I would be "better" than I am, I would say yes. If you were to ask me now if I was "better" than I was 8 years ago, I still would say yes. However, to be honest, I thought that at this point in time that I would be holier (haha, serious though), that I would have overcome more sins that historically have owned me...that I would "know" more about God than I do.
The fact of the matter is, I'm not altogether entirely satisfied of where I am in terms of these things. This past year has been a year that, I believe, God has completely beaten me down on somethings. and has revealed issues that I need to deal with that shock and appall me.
One thing, which seems to have stuck with me is the fact that faith doesn't really come easily for me. I'm cynical, and that's the truth. I get geeked out about stories about the incredible sovereignty of God. but I'm still cynical of the church...of a lot of things. I have a great hope for the North American church, please don't get the impression that I despise everything about it. Because I don't.
It seems that even though these past 8 years have been no cake-walk, I thought I would be farther along. Instead it feels like the Spirit, continues to reveal things that need a major beating. (like the huge chip on my shoulder that I use to be arrogant and prideful) Sometimes I don't want to be a Christian. Especially when I see the news. Sometimes I wonder where I would be at if Jesus did not save me, if He did not become my substitute. And everytime I wonder these things, I get a vision of a life...not as satisfying, not as fulfilling, and not as life changing.
Don't misinterpret me, I'm not saying that everything is amazing, and I'm happy all the time, and that I'm never angry, or frustrated. I'm just saying that, more than anything, more than any religion... Pressing into Jesus has been the most painful experiences of my life, but it is full of meaning, and His mercy, and His grace.
Make no mistake about it, I'm here to stay but that's because of the Sovereign God who chose to save me. If He didn't save me, I wouldn't be in this for the long haul, I would have been long gone.

Hansen